As the day comes to a close I have resigned myself to the sense that this day means nothing to most people. As I was going about my day I remember thinking to myself that today was a monumental day for me and no one around me knew it. It’s funny how good we are at keeping in the grief so that others don’t see that it is two years later and we are still grieving… it is two years later and I am still grieving.
I started feeling a little off right around April and it just continued to worsen with each day that May drew closer. I found myself holding back tears in the shower, struggling to drive without crying, trying to mention my Mom without crying and really trying not to lose myself in the memories of those 2 years and especially those last 24 hours. The thought often crossed my mind that I needed to suck it up because no one wants to see me crying. Get it together right? So April and most of May I held off the tears and I turned off my feelings the best that I could and then I went on vacation for a week and a half. And I was happy… and relieved. Relieved because I got to go on vacation during the month that brought back so much pain for me. I use vacation as a crutch you see. I went on vacation last May as well and I had the same experience. Underneath the joy of experiencing new places I also was experiencing a nice and steady flow of sadness. A sadness that you only know when you have lost someone near and dear to you. A sadness that if you stop and focus on it it creates a hole that goes from your throat to the pit of your stomach like a tunnel that is going to suck you down and never let you go. And finally I had to give into this sadness and so two years after I spent a night of restlessness listening to my mom struggling to breathe and knowing that whatever was happening was not good I broke down. I wrote everything that I was feeling in my journal and I cried harder than I have cried this whole past year. That night must be my trigger because it is harder for me to get through that night than it is the anniversary day of my Mother’s death. After I was done crying I felt a calmness come over me. I just needed to process all of the grief that I had been bottling up inside of me.
The insomnia is also back. I had trouble sleeping for months after my Mom passed away and so far the insomnia comes back each year around this time. I wonder if it will go away. Do I want it to go away? I do my best thinking and processing of feelings and writing when I stay up late. Who knows. For now I’ll keep making my annual blog post and give an update I suppose.
So to recap the past year let’s see…
Somehow I deleted the voicemail that I had saved from when my Mom was sick. It was a funny voicemail because Mom was laughing about something that she had to tell me but yet it was sad because it showed how much her memory and brain were affected from the cancer and treatments. I cried when I realized that I had lost that voicemail.
My dad is dating again and in the process has put a great distance between himself and my sister and I. It’s unfortunate but it is not an unforeseen event. I am dealing with it the best that I can… and I talk about it in therapy ALOT.
Gavin continues to be the apple of everyone’s eye. He still does some gestures that remind us of Mom and I am no longer focusing on how much it hurts that Mom isn’t here to see and know him. Beth and I often talk about how much Mom would have loved to see Gavin do each milestone and how she would have babysat him and doted on him.
We still have not gone through any of Mom’s things. I know- it’s not helping with the grieving process. I’m not pushing to go through her things because I honestly can’t bear to do it. I know it’s going to hurt and I am okay with avoiding that right now but I know the time is coming when we will need to do this.
Dad did put a chair back at the table where we had the space for Mom’s wheelchair. The first time I noticed that I just stopped and stared because the chair looked so out of place. It made me very sad and I cried in the car when I went home that day.
One of my best friends from high school lost her mother to ovarian cancer this past year. It happened very quickly and boy did it bring up a lot of old feelings for me. I try to offer advice and insight since I went through this first but damned if I know what to say.
The parent’s of my other best friend from high school both have/had colon cancer which was diagnosed when my Mom was still alive. I used both have/had because her Dad doesn’t need any more treatments but her Mom continues to have treatments. Either way I don’t feel that I do enough for them. I need to do better there.
For awhile I was pretty focused on how the devil it was possible that all three of us had to experience cancer affecting our families. How is that even fair right? I harped on the not so fairness of life for awhile but then I recognized that this was a harmful thought process and so I try not to focus on that anymore. I should also mention that my friend had cancer herself prior to my Mom being diagnosed and then her parent’s being diagnosed. She is in remission and kicking ass at life. Seriously she is the strongest person I know. I just wanted to give her a shoutout here because she definitely deserves it.
I have also read quite a few books written by people who have lost loved ones. I find that I relate to things here and there in each of the books but there is always at least one thing that turns me off throughout the book. I continue to read these books because something in me is craving to understand how others have dealt and are still dealing with their grief.
I end this post with not as quite an optimistic point of view as I did in my post from last year but I will say this, when life serves you lemons you make lemonade.